Thursday, January 9, 2014

Do Ugly Babies Exist?

Now some of y'all are going to have some issues with this post, but I'm not here to people please, (well, not entirely.) I'm here to tell it like it is and to tell the truth- and hopefully give you a chuckle. As a mother of an almost toddler with a new one on the way I am smack dab in the middle of the baby storm.  Part of this "Babynado", if you will, includes the much heated debate on whether or not babies can or can't be ugly?

I hope this blog entry clears it up. The answer y'all is YES! A resounding YES. I know, I know I'm supposed to say all babies are gifts from God and they are beautiful. I DO believe that ALL babies are gifts from God, but they are not all asthetically pleasing to the eye. Am I lying?!

 
The Original Baby Bean now aka the Chicklet at 10 days old still not even 5 lbs.

I got lucky! Even though my baby came out super duper tiny she still didn't have that crazy newborn "lookin' like a 90-year-old man" look to her. And don't think I'm getting up on my high horse. I have a picture or two of her where she very closely resembles "Roger" from American Dad in the beginning. But fortunately that was a short phase.


Plain and simple some babies are just not attractive, just like some people are not attractive- does that mean you should acknowledge that? Hell, no! At least not to their face or their parent's face. You save your comments for when you are alone with your best friend, mother, sister or husband- if he has tendencies to be as catty as you are and then you let loose.

It is especially hard not to comment when one or both of the parents are extremely good-looking and they give birth to an extra from The Walking Dead. And even I admit it's hard not to take some delight when you go on Facebook and see that a former homecoming queen gave birth to little trolls. Yes, I know I'm going to hell- but that journey started when I began this blog entry talkin' about people's ugly babies.


I figured it was time to talk about this because I've been seeing A LOT of ugly babies lately. I'm kidding (sort of), but it was a topic of debate recently on CafeMom, one of the mommy sites I frequent, under the title "What Do You Say When A Friend Has An Ugly Baby?" Most people felt it was a real quandary, but be put in. Many women took the high road saying that "no baby is ugly." 


These are also probably the same women who don't think you should have alcohol before noon. Um, hello God created Bloody Marys and Mimosas for a reason. That reason is called brunch. But the majority of women agreed that when faced with commenting on a friends less than attractive offspring you "say nothing" or you comment on how sweet the baby is. Because "all babies are sweet". Although I believe that's up for debate as well.

My great-uncle, God rest his soul, came up with THE perfect solution when one comes face to face with an ugly baby and their maker. It's a very Southern approach much like, saying "Bless Your Heart" instead of cussin' someone out. You simply look at the child (being sure not to cringe 'cause that's a dead give away) then you look at the parent and with a genuine smile on your face you say, "Uh-huh! Now that's a baby!" And that's how ugly babies came to be known at "Uh-huh babies" in our household.
 
 'Cause here's the deal, every parent believes that the creature they created is the most fabulous gorgeous thing that's ever been made- as they should. Now, I'm sure there are a few exceptions- there always are. But those parents are wise not to let on-- to their baby or anyone else that they think their kid is atrocious. The good news is everyone has an "ugly duckling phase" mine was from about 13-18 (perfect timing Thanks God!) for some that period is just infanthood and hopefully if they're lucky they'll grow out of it. If not you just stress that looks aren't that important- money is!

*JFTR: Just for the record this is a completely satirical piece while there are some truths that were said I am in no way shape or form mocking or poking fun at children who were born with birth defects or any other malady. Duh!


Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Gospel According to Karith: What I Would Tell My Pre-Pregnant Self

While being a mother has truly been the most awesome thing I have ever done in terms of love, time, energy and effort there are things I wish I would have known/done before I became one.

I'm not mad, but feel like my friends who did this before me should have done a better job of warning me. Maybe they did, but like most impending moms I was just too excited/ scared/ nervous to listen, and my friends just did their due diligence by reassuring me that it was all going to be okay. And that's what good friends are supposed to do. 

I do vaguely remember a few friends and my mother saying something like, "You're going to be so tired after the new baby gets here, that you need to sleep when the baby sleeps." Which is all great in theory, but especially if this is your first baby, you're going to be so in awe of the little creature that came out of you that you'll be spending the first few weeks just staring at them every second you get especially when they're asleep.
If I was sleeping I NEVER would have gotten this precious shot!

I'm also sure they write about it in all of the "What to Expect..." types of books, but I don't think they put it like this.  So for all of you about-to-be-mommies or mothers of newborns this is the Gospel According to Karith:

I. Do NOT Take (ALONE) Bathroom Time For Granted!
    

   a) Take long enjoyable showers for as long as you can stand to be under the water. Same goes for baths. Take lots and lots of bubble baths or baths with Essential Oils. Luxuriate! I promise you will miss this! It will be a very long time before you can do this again uninterrupted. 

  b) Poop like a man! Not trying to be crass, but what I mean is take your freakin' time. Don't think about all the other things you could be doing in that half hour - as we women tend to do.Take your favorite magazine in with you and read that sucker from cover to cover until one or both of your feet fall asleep. OR take a book in with you- I don't care if it's 50 Shades or  A Tale of Two Cities but R.I. P. Ladies- Read In Peace. You will long for it one day.

  c) Take your time doing your hair. After a baby a quick brush and up in a clip or pony tail is considered "doing your hair". That's why so many women cut their hair after they have a baby. It's just easier to be able to get up and go. Weaves and braids are a great solution to this too!

  d)  Give your skin love. While that's a habit we should never fall out of THE LAST thing you're thinking about are your pores if your baby is "cluster feeding", teething or dealing with diaper rash. So whether it's putting a mask on a couple of times a week or having a full on facial somewhere (like a real spa). Do it! Relish it!



 II. Dress nicely. 

   a) Put on that cute outfit you've been saving and accessorize! Not that you won't have opportunities to dress up after baby, but if you normally looked like you stepped out of a Talbot's catalog your head's going to spin at how easy it is to spend all-day in a comfy t-shirt and yoga pants or pajama bottoms.

  b) Wear make-up as you regularly would- no need to over do it and look like a clown. But that pregnancy glow will wear the hell off after about 2 weeks of not sleeping your regular 8 hours.



III. Enjoy ALL positions. Yes I'm talking about sex AND sitting and sleeping.


   a) Even if you don't, sleep on your stomach, because you won't be able to at a certain point in your pregnancy and  you're going to want to. So get it out of your system now.




   b) Same with all the wild sex positions you and your honey can come up with. Do them ALL. TRUST ME at one point some positions will be like an uncomfortable game of Twister and some downright impossible and then when baby  eventually comes you may not have the same kind of time to go through the karma sutra you once did. Because a cry from this little thing will kill the mood instantly.



I write this with love because that's hopefully how you got into this in the first place. I hope those of you who have yet to give birth, give this heed and I hope that those of you who have been in this boat pass the Gospel According to Karith along to your unsuspecting friends. We women need to stick together 'cause who else is going to tell it like it is?!

Much Love,
~Karith



Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year, New Baby!


'Cause why the heck not?! Some people plan their kids so they're spaced out evenly over every couple of years. 



Those people have the luxury of time. So if you can do that- more power to ya! Just for the record, I planned this baby too. I planned for it not to be still inside of me in the sweltering summer heat. 



Fool me once Mother Nature shame on you...fool me twice...Un-uh- this mama's not doing that sh*t again.

This is an actual photo of me from the summer of 2012

(fyi while looking for a graphic to match this section I Googled "hot and pregnant"- not the smartest thing I've done today. I recommend doing this only if you want to feel like crap for having love handles and looking like "most real women" when they're preggers.)

So, my babies will officially be 20 months apart not quite "Irish twins", but close enough that people will think my husband, CJ and I know nothing about birth control. 

Considering I'm a septuagenarian and he's an octogenarian we still look good.
Here's the deal, I'm 75 and he's 82- time is NOT on our side right now. So we figured if we're already in diapers (although I hope Baby Bean #1 will be making strides to being toilet trained before Baby Bean#2 arrives) and we're not sleeping- let me rephrase that- I'm not sleeping through the night- what's one more year of madness, right?!

So wishing a VERY Happy New Year, filled with love, prosperity and laughter to all of my wonderful friends and followers. And let's get on this pregnancy and baby train together again. 

Much Love,
~Karith

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

A Whale Of A Time


I think it's safe to say that a good portion of Americans use the word AWESOME- constantly. That word may have become mainstream in the 80's but unlike big hair, pop rocks and A Flock of Seagulls it has remained. (To be honest I think I only miss Pop Rocks).


No question, "awesome" is WAY overused and let's be honest, rarely are the things that we call "awesome" truly inspire awe. Well, since I've began my journey as a mommy. I have experienced three things that are truly AWESOME.



1) Growing another human being inside of me.

2) Bringing that little person into the world in water and without drugs or complications (thank God!)

3) Being merely feet away from the largest mammal on the planet.


This was the 1st Blue Whale we saw surface. My Daddy took this great shot.

I know number 3 may seem like it came out of nowhere, but after a family outing in Southern California to Dana Point for the Dana Wharf Sport Fishing and Whale Watching tour this summer I don't think I will EVER look at the ocean and the incredible creatures that reside in it the same way again.
As someone who grew up watching PBS nature specials and National Geographic I was well aware of the existence of whales, dolphins and other marine life, but there is NOTHING that compares to seeing them live, within a reachable distance AND in their NATURAL ENVIRONMENT!!! So AWESOME!
 
Check out the gorgeous tail on this sucker.

This was supposed to be a special outing for my mom's birthday but it was like everyone got a gift when we saw two enormous Blue Whales surfaced for air then make their graceful and grand re-entry into the water. 

I really can't say enough good things about our experience. I was initially afraid we wouldn't see "anything cool" because apparently a legendary school of 10,000 dolphin had migrated earlier in the month and we missed it. But the cool thing is there is ALWAYS something to see on one of these tours no matter what time of year you head out there. 

The only downside for me was experiencing some sea sickness, but after having 3 months of constant nausea while prego that was nothing. Fortunately, the boat also packs a nice little snack bar and I indulged in a 7Up or two to calm my gut and of course I had my essential oils! My Peppermint and Digestzen not only helped me but another young girl keep our heads up and enjoy the fun.


Our guide for 2-hour Dana Wharf Sport Fishing and Whale Watching tour was funny and informative. It truly was the perfect family outing- fun, educational and then when you get back to land there are plenty of little places to grab something yummy to eat.

This was something I would have never considered doing had I not been contacted by a super cool rep from Dana Wharf. I cannot thank her enough for taking such good care of me and my family. 
My parents had a blast and Baby Bean was so excited she passed out!

Although Baby Bean may not remember coming into such close contact with one the largest mammals on this planet- she's got plenty of pics to look at and a plush little porpoise named Pete from the gift shop.




If you're like me and you're taking this whole "Mom thing" seriously then you are doing your best to have a balanced life of learning and fun with your little one. Well, I was able to incorporate both with a family outing to Dana Wharf Sport Fishing and Whale Watching and I highly recommend it whether or not you live in SoCal or are planning a visit. It should definitely be on your itinerary. And if you're a fisherman this just may be your heaven on Earth!

For more information on Dana Wharf visit: www.danawharf.com

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Let's Talk about SEX (after) Baby!!! Let's Talk about You and Me!

Hah! Now that I've got your attention and put that Salt n' Pepa earworm in your head I can share with you a little something that most new parents are dealing with. 

SEX. Well, rather the lack there of. 


Not for lack of wanting it, but for lack of opportunity. Why?! Because of this new little amazing person who ironically got here because you enjoyed sex in the first place. *Hopefully- you enjoyed it. Let's be honest there are times when you're trying to make that baby that it's just a "let's get the job done, Honey" scenario. #beentheredonethat


Oh and my husband CJ and I no longer call it "having sex" or "making love." Forget about "getting it on" or even "doing the deed".


Now that we are parents we call it "talking." Because although Baby Bean may not speak yet she does understand words. Call me crazy, but I was raised in the South and that's how I roll. So, for the rest of this blog I will be speaking to y'all with the vernacular that CJ and I use to speak with one another. 

Here are the top 3 reasons you will have much less "conversation" than you did pre-baby:

1. You're fucking exhausted (pun totally intended)

2. Especially if you're breastfeeding- you've got someone on your body or literally attached to you for what feels like ALL of the time. #sleepnursing So having someone else "bending your ear" can be less than desirable at times.

3. As soon as you find the time and the energy guess who wakes up from their nap or in the middle of the night?! So you either have to get a quick chat in or nothing at all.



This may sound crazy but it's almost like Baby Bean knows; and even the idea of us practicing to make her a sibling is unconscionable.

Without question, this can be really annoying; because you're still attracted to your partner. You want that closeness, bonding and FUN. But there are going to be times when you have to tell your loved one to "talk to the hand"- literally!


I'd prefer it, if like so many unfortunate new dads, CJ didn't have to resort to talking to himself. But it is what it is and so long he's not mumbling to himself throughout the house like a crazy person on a New York City street, I think we're good.


But I think I should be clear, I'd much rather be part of the conversation.

 *By the way if you enjoyed this and other blog entries would you please vote for me in the Top 25 SoCal Mom Bloggers of 2013. You don't have to give your name or sign-up for anything just click VOTE. Thank you. Here's the link:
*Vote for Diary of a Pregnant Comedian*

Friday, July 12, 2013

A Dear Kate is WAAAAY Better Than A Dear John

I like to think that I have A LOT in common with you. And by you, I mean my amazing audience of mommies, soon-to-be mommies and folks who accidentally wandered on to this site because you randomly Googled the word "panties."
(I'm not judging)

 
Fyi this is NOT me modeling Dear Kate's Starlet Collection, if it were the skin would be browner and thighs touching.

I like to think our commonalities include wanting to be amazing parents, being responsible citizens of the world and fashionable people...at least in our own circles or minds. I also hope a major quality we share is that we can all take a step back and have a good laugh...especially at some of the "not so funny" stuff that comes along with pregnancy and the aftermath.
This actually was me when Baby Bean was positioning herself on my bladder.
Like the fact that now when you sneeze, laugh or cough too hard there's a REALLY good chance you'll pee your pants a little. (Good times!) Those of you who've been following this blog for a while know that 'ish caught me completely off guard; but true to my promise of "keeping it real" I covered this topic way back in the early throws of my pregnancy. You can read all about it in an entry aptly titled Didja Pee a Little?

I lamented in that blog post that there was no solution to this embarrassing problem except to buy bulky products that make you feel weird and awkward- 'cause who doesn't like walking bow-legged because they've got what feels like a foam surf board in their drawers?  Someone must have read my mind!
Sanctuary!!!!  MADE IN AMERICA- Eat it China!
Because what I didn't know until now was that an incredible company named Dear Kate was the answer to all of our unfashionable, incontinent, uncomfortable underwear prayers. With one of the GREATEST aspects of this company being that they're made in the USA. (Hello!!! How awesome is that?!)


Well, I wish that I could say that those days of "baby bladder" are long gone. That now that I've had my baby, my body has gone right back to where it was pre-baby- as did my bodily functions and control. But let's have a moment of clarity here- even if you are Heidi-f'ing-Klum and you're on some lingerie runway 6 weeks after giving birth guess what you're still going to have issues.
 
You know behind that smile Heidi's thinking "Ugh, I wish I had some Dear Kate's on right now 'cause I'm about to sneeze!"

And let's be honest for those of us who are still trying to get that baby weight off that's the only solace we have is knowing that while Heidi's sitting in her cushy little chair on America's Got Talent laughing at something snarky Howie Mandel or Howard Stern said- she most likely just tinkled herself... and because she's NOT wearing her Dear Kate panties it's a hot mess.

As the proud owner of a pair of Dear Kate Starlet Hipster panties I can sing their praise from personal experience. However, I wouldn't recommend a non-stop cross-country trip bat-sh*t-crazy-stalker-astronaut style in them, but for everyday life, esp. when you want to feel good and sexy- these are the panties that are calling your name Girlfriend. (btw does anyone else remember that crazy story?!) 
 
Hello- who doesn't picnic in their panties?! If you don't already Dear Kate will give you the confidence to do so.

Because Dear Kate wants you to know the joy and relief their product can offer they are giving a $10 discount through the end of July 2013 on the Dear Kate panties with the discount code: "DOPClove"

*Full disclosure I was fortunate enough to receive a pair of Dear Kate Starlet Hipster panties to try out courtesy of Dear Kate. But all of the opinions and funny (I hope you thought so too) comments are mine.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The Chiuhuahua vs. The Child


I knew that this day would come- rather I hoped it would come. Although I must admit I had mixed emotions about the day my REAL baby would take precedence over my dog baby. I didn't fully believe it was going to happen. I mean for almost four years this Chihuahua was my life. 



She went with me everywhere! She came to the studio of my morning radio show almost everyday, social gatherings, business trips, comedy gigs etc... Hell, her first night home she came with me to a New Year's Eve party. 



This dog has been flying on planes since she was 4 months old; AND she is the subject of an amazing children's book that will hopefully be published within the next year. Everyone who knows her loves her (She literally has 100+ Friends on her Facebook Page- yes, her Facebook- not her Dogbook!) She even has her own hit video on YouTube.



Most of my friends expect her to be in tow when I travel or visit their home or apt. Because she is a civilized, well-behaved adorable creature. Of course as I type this she's humping the $#@! out of a stuffed cat that she stole from one of my friend's kids. Don't judge everyone has their vices- otherwise she is the coolest Chihuahua you'd ever meet.


She doesn't shake violently for no reason or bark at random noises like most little freaky Chihuahuas. She loves, men and children. I mean she's that "anti-Chihuahua" Chihuahua. But as soon as I looked into the eyes of the sweet sweet creature that I gave birth to I KNEW that I would do ANYTHING for this child.

I thought I would do anything for the dog and I just about would but now it's under the condition that it didn't adversely affect the child.


In complete transparency (as I always provide on this blog) I have hoped and prayed for 30+ years- that I would have a baby and be a mother. I dare say that desire came LONG before my desire to be a comedian or TV and radio personality. 

Like many childless women and men all throughout this great world of ours -the First World where this can happen as opposed to Third World where your pet may be dinner- my dog was my companion, my comfort...and yes, my child.


But there's a new puppy in town Ladies and Gentlemen and the baby dog is now in the emotional dog house. I feel awful about it sometimes but I know that this is the circle of life- priorities are priorities. And my REAL baby must come first. There's not even a question about it in my head.